God's Work in The Heartache....

I do not feel that it is fair to leave my readers in the dark on a very influential event in my life recently. I only hope that I can find the words to explain it with grace and dignity. Not something I have always been good at when I am in a place of pain....

The past 7 months were ones that I learned more and loved more than I think I have in the entire rest of my life. That may seem like a dramatic statement, but at this point in time I find it is the truth. But though I have learned much, and loved much, that chapter of my life has drawn to a close abruptly. And it is that abruptness of the loss of a dream that brings about grieving and will take time and God's grace to heal.

"Which dream?" you may be asking. But I can't answer that just yet. First I want to tell you exactly what it was that God taught me in the past 7 months. I do that both so you do not leave this post depressed, and because I want you to keep reading. Sneaky author tactics, I know, but bear with me.

Because of a certain person in my life for the past 7 months, and the amazing gift he and his family have for prayer, I learned a ton about prayer. I did not understand the power of prayer before this last Thanksgiving, I did not know how incredible intercessory prayer could be, and I did not have a very good spiritual discipline of prayer. But I prayed for this person with regularity, and I now have a habit of praying purposefully daily, and also of falling asleep in prayer. In watching the gift that this person had with intercessory prayer, I discovered it's power and the way that God has given some that incredible spiritual gift. And the power and need for prayer has just become abundantly more clear to me.

I also learned a lot about the spiritual world. I always knew it was there, but did not understand it much, and had no idea of its power. In the past 7 months, my eyes have been opened in that area to a small degree, and though that can be pretty scary, I am also more equipped in that battle now and know better and clearer how to pray.

But the thing I learned the most was what it was to really love in a way that I never had before. You see, a person is an inherently sinful creature. When you get to know a person more and more, you do not find them more and more perfect. At least not if you are seeing clearly. But instead, you find more and more that they are a sinner. But it is that inherent weakness that makes them beautiful! Because when you truly understand the depths that a person came from, you are better able to see and witness the growth that God makes through them. God's beauty becomes clear in them, because you know that those steps that they made/are making are not something they could have done on their own, but rather it was God working in the ashes.

And that is what true love is. It is when you can look clearly at a person, and see them for what they are, and still care for them deeply. Because in seeing them without colored glasses, you can better see God being made strong in their weakness. And the beauty of that is what causes you to love them all the more. It was this that God gave me a large taste of in the past 7 months, and for that I am very grateful.

But though God was teaching me much on the path that I was headed down, He had different ultimate plans for me. So in the middle of this path, the door was slammed shut. This left me confused and hurt, but I know that it is what's best, and feel no bitterness. Only immense pain.

If you have not yet guessed, God closed the door on my relationship with Kyle.* There was nothing that came between us, and we are on good terms. But God just showed us that is not what He had for us. I am hurting, but Kyle himself did not hurt me. I merely hurt because of the loss of a relationship and the loss of a dream. That is painful, no matter how smoothly it happens.

So in synopsis, I am thankful for the last 7 months, and would not trade it if I could. Yes, I would go back and do it again, even knowing the outcome. I am grateful that we discovered this change of paths now and not months or years down the road. I am grateful that the break-up did not come about with harsh words or an argument of any kind. That said, I am in pain, and I am sure Kyle is in a ton of pain as well. I just ask from any one who might read this that you would pray for us, and that God would make His wills for both of us clear in time, and that in this time of pain, we would be open to hear what God has to tell us.

And I also just ask for prayer for comfort, and for the ability to get up yet another morning and face the day.

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn  

*Read more about Kyle in my former post