Welcome back to my story! It has been a couple days since I last posted, and I apologize. My husband was out of town, so my children required my full attention this past weekend. For those of you who hurt with me in my first part of this series, and learned of my spiritual surrender in part two, this is the part where you get to climb to the top of mountains with me!!
This is the part of my story I am ecstatic to share, as God started immediately working in my life after I surrendered to Him. If you have not read the rest of my story, I encourage you to start back in part one here.
May 10th, 2019. It is a day that I know I will never forget. I hope that it will become a day that I even celebrate along with birthdays and my wedding anniversary. This was the day I told about in my last post where I completely surrendered my life and especially my marriage to God. Where for the first time in my marriage, I truly understood what it might actually take to love, honor, and obey my husband even if the favor was never returned, and I made that promise once more, just me and God.
What a hard, but amazing moment for me. In the midst of this moment was the first time that I really felt the presence of God in a LONG time. I stood up that evening, just before sunset in my backyard, and I asked God "what now?" And I clearly heard the Holy Spirit telling me to go back inside where I had left a silent and sullen husband, and He would just show me the next step.
Now, you might think after a surrender like that, God might have an immediate blessing for me. Maybe after I finally truly surrendered my marriage for the first time, I would go back inside and my husband would at least apologize for his poor attitude that day, right? Not exactly how it worked.... I walked back inside, and there was my husband where I had left him, looking pissed(sorry, but that is a common word in my vocabulary), ready to shoot the first person who talked to him, and listening to a guy on his phone who made a living counseling men in divorcing women.
This had been a spot of contention in my soul, this man my husband listened to. He was always talking about "how women were," which was mostly very inaccurate of my character or actions. He was counseling men on what was best for them. His main profession is writing to and working with divorced men. My husband had sworn just a few weeks before he would never divorce me, so why was he listening to this man? Why was he allowing that kind of thing into his mind?
Now I tell you this about my husband not to demean him, but to make a point. After my surrender, God immediately put me to the test. He placed me in a scenario where I could show Him whether I meant it when I promised to love and honor my husband even if my husband despised me and treated me with contempt. I want you to know that sometimes, this is what God calls us to. You need to know that the weeks following that surrender were the hardest and most exhausting of my life. God had called me to a very great thing, not an easy thing. And sometimes He will do the same with you. PLEASE keep reading though, because as hard as it was, things only really went uphill from here.
So there was my husband doing everything that was effective to drive arrows straight to my heart. And you know what? I was surprised to find as I sat down across the room from him and began to type out what had just happened between God and me, that I started to look over at that sullen man with love. I saw his incredible chiseled facial features instead of his scowl, and it reminded me how handsome my husband was(seriously, men and women alike hit on him regularly). I looked over at his stressed stance, and instead of seeing his liability to blow up at any minute, I saw how tired he must be. Friends, I actually looked at him with a loving tug in my heart like when we were first married, and I genuinely prayed for him because he looked exhausted. What a turn around! Those of you who have been very hurt by someone you live with every day hopefully know that an attitude like that is one that can come only from God.
In the next couple weeks, I began to grow in my walk with God. I got back into the practice of reading my Bible every day, and started picking up devotional books with an honest desire for more of His truth in my life. I made a commitment that the boys and I were going to go to church every Sunday whether my husband came or not. This was not easy for me emotionally or practically, but I have not missed a Sunday since. Before that we probably went an average of once a month. I started staying after the early service for Sunday School. I started stopping when I was frustrated with my older son and prayed with him.
My hunger for God and for His word felt like a ball rolling down hill that just kept picking up speed. I wanted more and more of the Bible, more time with fellow saints, and found more and more ways to integrate my relationship with God into my daily life.
This came, however, with a lot of tongue biting. I'm surprised I wasn't tasting iron regularly. It was very hard not to speak to my husband about the ways he was hurting me, or not to fall back into the pattern of nagging my husband to get him to talk to me. I got very very good at biting my tongue. It was one afternoon as I was struggling with whether I should bite my tongue or say something to my husband's most recent sin of anger, that I realized something which completely changed my outlook and direction. God pointed out to me that the constant anger that my husband was displaying, was not my real enemy. We are told that we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers. And I realized that my husband was being overwhelmed by a spirit of anger. That the true enemy was whispering constantly all of the reasons my husband had reason to be angry into his ear. That he had allowed the sin of anger to grow to such a point that it had taken him farther than he ever wanted to go.
And that is when my prayer life changed dramatically. That is where my War Room came into play. I made a place back behind my water heater in the basement where I would go and desperately pray to God. I prayed over my husband, my children, my finances, and my health. I wrote out a map of the battlefield that was my marriage, and found verses to pray in order to strengthen the places in my marriage Satan liked to attack. I privately asked a couple of my siblings, a male friend who deeply cares for my husband, and my smaller Sunday School class to pray for my husband and his battle with anger. I told Satan out loud multiple times that he could not have me, he could not have my marriage, and he most assuredly could not have my man! When things got really tough, and I was ready to attack my husband verbally, I would rush down to my war room, sob out to God, and yell and rant at Satan. I would listen to the song Held by Casting Crowns or You Know Better Than I by Dallyn Vail Bayles.
Around this time, I was getting ready to have a garage sale at my grandparents house. And so, I was driving over there a couple times throughout this week in early June in order to get things ready for that. And as I was there, I had a lot of wonderful conversations with my grandmother. Sometimes I forget what a prayer warrior my grandmother is. If any of you have watched the film The War Room by the Kendrick Brothers, you'll understand what I mean when I say my grandma is the closest thing I had through all this to a Clara in my life. She encouraged me, and unlike some people in my life, cheered on my work of holding my tongue and fighting for my husband with prayer instead of fighting with my husband via words.
And then came the first clear hand of God answering my prayers for my husband. My husband and I got home from a night of handling a garage sale, and I was about ready to drop. I seriously was almost past functioning. And my husband was kind enough to notice this, and was very sweet, and shortly after getting home, we ended up snuggling on the couch all wrapped around each other. We still had moments like this scattered throughout the roughest months, but I for some reason felt comfortable enough to kind of casually ask him: "So what have you and God been talking about lately?" This was something I had asked him fairly often when we were first married.
He sighed and said "Honestly, I've been trying to ignore Him, but He hasn't been letting me. I just want to focus on work and trying to get sleep and provide for my family, and He keeps telling me I need Him as well, but..."
He trailed off and I gently asked "it seems easier without Him in the picture?"
"Yes! It's just one more thing I have to do and I don't want to add anything to my plate. Sorry if that wasn't the answer you were looking for."
I could see how he would think I was looking for a better answer, but rather I was trying really hard to hide my excitement. God was hounding him! And I knew some of that was because of my prayers. My husband didn't seem bothered by my question, and I was inwardly praising God that He was willing to create that moment where I could be encouraged. That answer of my husband's was God's way of showing me how He was listening to my prayers and acting on them. I was so excited, and after my husband went to bed that night, I praised God in my war room for allowing me to see some of how He was working.
The next Sunday, only two days later, after a long weekend, my husband said "I really don't want to, but I should probably go to church." After 3 weeks of going to church without him, as well as a whole week where I went every night for a special set of revival services my church was holding without him, I was inwardly very excited my husband was going to come with me, and I instantly started praying. I prayed over and over and over again that God would use something in the message to speak to my husband. I of course than sheepishly followed that up with "Although if you have something I need to learn instead or as well, show me that also."
And I kept praying that prayer as we were getting ready for church, as my husband displayed an especially grouchy mood, and as I drove to church. We were taking separate vehicles as I planned to stay for Sunday School and he did not, and a big part of me was afraid he would change his mind and wasn't actually going to come. But come he did. He sat very prim and stoic the whole sermon, as he often does in social places so that people don't bother him, and I just kept praying and praying the whole time. The sermon was on Solomon and on how his sin had taken him farther than he ever wanted to go in it. It was a sermon about integrity, and at first, I was doubting that it was actually making any difference in my husband's heart. I was sitting there thinking "I have only been asking you, God, to change Michael for a few weeks now. I was sure you are going to make me live out this in faith a lot longer than that..." But then I realized my need for a change in attitude. "If you want to speak to Michael today, Lord, I have complete faith that you will. I know that you have complete power over the scenario." I left it at that, and placed my attention into taking notes of the sermon and trying to hear anything God might be saying just to me.
The sermon was soon over, and my husband gave me a swift hug and left, and I went to Sunday School. I asked my class to pray that the hounds of heaven would not let my husband go until he had fully turned back to God. I told them I was elated that God had shown me He was working, but still was very much in need of prayer. The man leading the study understood exactly what I was saying and smiled at me. "I know what you mean. I was in the same place as your husband just a few years ago, and we will be praying for him." I was very thankful for the discreet prayers of this group of saints, as not a single one of them seemed to be judging my husband or me in the least, but instead genuinely just wished that both of us could draw closer to God.
What happened after that kind of had a roller-coaster effect on me. My husband told me that night that he had been listening to the sermon and had been thinking "Yeah, yeah, heard this all before." And then suddenly, something changed and he really started to think about how his own sin of anger had grown way worse than he ever wanted it to be and had taken him farther than he ever meant to go. And how he had spent the afternoon talking to God about it.
"Really?" I asked. "So how did that conversation go?"
"I just essentially told him I really messed up."
I paused and then tentatively asked, "But you've admitted lots of times that you messed up. What was different about this conversation?"
And he said "This is the first time I've actually apologized to God for it."
As you can imagine, I was on a high! I was so excited that God had answered my prayer and had spoken to my husband through the sermon. This was a mountain top. But...in the days to follow, I felt like I was sliding back down that mountain as my husband began to shy away when I mentioned things about God, or my prayer life, or any scripture. And I knew that there was still a big something going on, but had no idea what it was.
So there my husband and I were one night, and I was upset because I had put on something very special to get my husband's attention, and he hadn't noticed even when I was practically sitting on him, and had gone to our room, gotten undressed, and climbed into bed without ever noticing. I had joined him in bed, and he was randomly chatting to me about normal things, but kept asking me what was wrong because he could tell that I was upset about something. Well, I kept ducking the question even as we turned off the lights, and he set his phone down, and we got close to sleep. And then something in my tone in answering him when he asked me a question as he was starting to drift off, made him roll over and wrap his arms around me.
"Ok," he said. "What's wrong, Hannah? I'm wide awake now."
Well I had held my tongue so long and prayed for him when he hurt me instead of saying or doing anything, that it had now become habit. I didn't know how to tell him I was worried about where he and God were, or how to share my life with him, or anything. So I curled into his chest, and just started praying to God out loud. I recounted to God how I had obeyed Him, the surrender I had made, how I had prayed for my husband, how I felt like being asked so many times in a row whether I was okay in a caring fashion was a sign from God to open up, told God I was scared. Of course, I knew that my husband could hear all of this, but something about talking about it to God in front of him was easier than just telling him. It made it possible for me.
As I poured my heart out to God in this way, tears streaming all over my husband's chest, I could feel his arm's getting tighter around me. When I had finally finished, my husband was silent for a long moment, and then began to tell me that he was incredibly sorry. He cried as he apologized for all the different ways he had hurt me, many of which I wasn't even aware that he knew hurt me. He told me that he was terrified that since he had purposefully turned his back on following God over the last couple years, that God wouldn't take him back. He said he was standing at the edge of a cliff and wanted to jump, but was really scared that God wouldn't catch him. And this was why he had been reluctant to talk about spiritual things since that sermon that really began to change him. And lastly, he also began to pray out loud. His tears continued as he told God he was so sorry from turning from him, apologized for his sins one at a time, and begged God to take him back.
After these prayers we snuggled, laughed, I noted how my husband's entire body seemed more relaxed than it had been for a very, very, long time, and we celebrated the moment in a way that only married couples should. 😉
.....Wow.... Friends, there is so much more to this story, as the days ahead brought more highs and lows. But I want this to be the pinnacle and ending point of at least this section of my story. From this point of sobbing in my car and wondering if my husband was going to keep me, to this wonderful and incredible man in my arms crying out to God to take him back. From a marriage that was falling apart to a marriage that had a new footing in God. God assured me during those very long weeks, time that felt like an eternity, that I would have a passionate and Godly marriage again one day. I just had no idea that the first steps towards that would come so soon.
I hope that my story has been a help to you in some way. If you missed part one or two, I have links to them below.
Other Parts of My Story:
When My Marriage Hit its Lowest Valley-My Story part 1
Rebuke or Forgiveness: Does God Always Call Us to Matthew 18? -My Story part 2
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