That Time I was Pharaoh.

"And the Lord said to Moses, 'When you go back to Egypt, see that you do all those wonders before Pharaoh which I have put in your hand. But I will harden his heart, so that he will not let my people go." -Exodus 4:21

I never really understood this part of the Exodus story. Seriously, it is something that I baffled over time and time again throughout my studies of the Bible. It was not one of those things that I glossed over because it didn't make immediate sense, and I was being lazy at that point. Rather it was one of those things I came back to time and time again, and just had to chalk it up to "God knew what He was doing, I guess. And after all, the Israelite people did eventually get free." 

But I couldn't see why God had hardened his heart. Couldn't He have done the opposite? I mean, He could have allowed Pharaoh to say yes, and then all of those plagues wouldn't have happened. The first-born Egyptians would not have died, and the Israelite people still would have gone free. 

I just didn't get it. Why would God allow all that pain for Egypt, when He could have just freed the Israeli without it? That is, I didn't get it until the same thing happened to me. And no, I am not following the common Christian trend of comparing myself or relating myself to the Israeli. No, when I said it happened to me, I mean that I was Pharaoh. 

I had this revelation yesterday. I looked back on the last year of my life, and realized. "Oh my goodness, God just did a "Pharaoh" to me." Before you freak out, I am not going to die, wiped out behind the Red Sea as it closes up behind the Israeli. But at least I finally understand. Because like Pharaoh, where God allowed his anger and harshness to rule his actions that a greater purpose might be met, God allowed me to rule my actions by fear in order that His greater purpose might be met in my life. 

Let me tell you about this fear in my father's words, the words of Dad in an email to the guy I was later to share a relationship with:

"I'm seeking to help my second daughter, Hannah, find a young man she may one day marry. She has watched her older sister struggle with keeping her heart in check (truly, Miss Twitterpated is head-over-heels for this guy) and knows all too well her own heart could be easily lost to quick infatuation. So Hannah has asked me to take lead in the discerning of potential husbands. She's asked me to protect her by not asking her to screen potential suitors first, but to take the lead role in seeking a husband for her."

At the time, this seemed to make a lot of sense. I would be able to avoid a lot of heartbreak if I wasn't looking for a husband at all. My Dad could just look until he found him, then giving me permission to fall in love. My Dad even told the young man he was emailing with that he could "see the wisdom in her request."

"She went to her father and hesitantly asked him if he would be willing to find her husband for her, thus saving her much of the heartache. She wanted to just wait until her father finally brought a man to her and said 'This is the one, and you have my permission to fall in love with him.'"*

"One thing I do ask. Hannah has requested I conduct my seeking quietly, without "teasing" her heart by first this prospect and that, and I respect her wishes. So for now, please keep these discussions between us, without contacting her or talking to her about them directly." (another email excerpt)

But these "restrictive guidelines" as my Dad once called them were all motivated out of fear. Our goal, my goal in all of it was not to get hurt. But when I prayed fervently about it, did God reveal to me that it was fear? No. Instead, He gave me a green light. He put all of the events in place in an incredible way for me to enter a relationship that He knew would bring pain. Instead of showing me that I was running from pain, He simply allowed me to experience the exact pain I was trying to avoid. (Read more about my story of love, heartbreak, and learning in my posts Exceedingly and Abundantly More and God's Work in the Heartache....)

I learned something very important through this. I learned that ALL relationships, especially the ones with those we love deeply involve pain. This is a truth that I think is invaluable when it comes to looking for, finding, and being married to a spouse. If we spend all our time running from pain, we will a) end up either immersed in the pain that we were running from or miss out on really loving people, and b) end up in even more pain. 

God hardened Pharaoh's heart that the Israeli people might see His wonders. That He might be glorified. God hid my fear from me that I might learn the truth of a broken world. That because of that brokenness, both I and others might seek after Him because we can find no other relationship that will not hurt time and time again. That through that pain, again He might be glorified. I finally get it!

"Why did God harden Pharaoh's heart?" Little Hannah once asked. 

"That He might be glorified." Was the answer she was given, and the answer she didn't find good enough.

"Why did you allow me to go through this pain when it is exactly what I thought you were calling me to avoid my whole life in being chaste and guarding my relationships!" A little Hannah cried out to God. "I didn't do anything wrong this time!" 

"That I might be glorified." He answered. 

And this time, little Hannah heard....

*Excerpt from Exceedingly and Abundantly More.