1.to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate.
2.
to weigh carefully in the mind; consider thoughtfully.
I recently read the words of a woman who was pregnant with her third child. In her past pregnancies, she had a form of debilitating morning sickness. The doctors called it Hyperemisis, which is their fancy way of saying "morning sickness that lasts all day long." And this third pregnancy was no different. She was so weak that she couldn't sit up without fainting, let alone get up and take care of her home and family. She was overwhelmed with how she was no longer able to control anything.
"I fretted over the dirty floors. I was embarrassed by the sticky soda spills that now acted as a messy magnet for lint and dirt. I was horror-struck that someone else had to deal with my grunge because I was too sick to sit up without fainting, let alone to wield a mop or whisk a broom."
-Karen Ehman(Let it Go)
She speaks of the fear of being labeled incapable, the way other woman who had no issue with their pregnancies looked at her, and the way she was dispensable. But her ultimate issue was her lack of control. In her state she was unable to control her home and her circumstance.
It wasn't until she had those pregnancies that she really realized how much she struggled with needing control, and how badly the loss of it would affect her. And this is what got me pondering. Because I am wondering if I do the same thing.
Since I was young, I had this older sister that seemed capable of everything. She could run on no sleep, do an insane amount of work and multi-tasking, didn't get exhausted readily, and was extremely efficient. That was not me. I need a certain amount of sleep almost every night in order to function correctly. I have to monitor myself in order to make sure I catch up on enough rest to ready for the next work day. I will start to get physically sick if I get too little sleep too many nights in a row.
And this bothers me. I want to be incredibly capable on no sleep. I want to be able to get up raring to go in the morning, even if a baby woke me up 3 times in the night. I worry about my future as a mother, since I am not sure if I have the energy. But it took me until reading this book only a few hours ago to realize that maybe these worries and anxieties are my way of seeking control.
God created me to need a certain amount of sleep. He will take care of me when I don't get that amount. God created my body with certain needs. I need to acknowledge that, and not be anxious about them. I know that if God gives me difficult pregnancies, or late nights, or long work hours, He will also help me get through them. I need not fret about the future, but instead I need to recognize my desire to control and let it go, leaving God in charge.
So at the beginning of this post, I said I was pondering. But I think that in writing this out, it has become more than that. I do indeed have an issue with control here, and I do indeed need to let it go. If I want to be the helpmeet, mother, and homemaker that God has created me to be, I have to leave those worries in his hands.
- Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. -Matthew 6:26-27, 34
- Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
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